All my life I've had secrets
Like most people
Thinking that therapy and writing
Would help get them out​
That I might die if I kept them inside
The truth is, if I don't let them out
They will die

I learned recently
That my secrets
Live in a small space
Like a pouch
Under my heart
They are most private
Most intimate
And I know they will tell me
When to birth them
To nurse them on the milk of my aliveness

They've been growing inside me
Since before my birth
Like the ova I was born with
They can divide and multiply
They are my precious children
And I see now that I am responsible for their lives

I am humble enough to tell you
That I wasn't the best mother
For a young girl, my young girl
Thinking I could carry her with me on my adventures
I thought life would open for her
That I would just see who she was
Not engineer her into some kind of adult

I should have sheltered her more
I should have nurtured her more
I should have should have should have
I loved her, desperately
I love her now
But I can't make the same mistakes
The secrets are not like her

They watched her form
Watched her growing inside me
Enduring a hard birth
In my own bed
In my youth
The secrets were not silent then, but I neglected them
I could barely take care of her! or myself

The years are moving quickly now
Weeks move like days
And my time is coming
I'd be lying if I said
I wasn't afraid of this next birth
Every day there are little waves of cringing anguish
And a growing determination
Of no turning back
Until then, I can rest

Sometimes they crawl out of the pouch
To play and tumble on my belly
They are cute like baby kittens
But maybe like comic book kittens
Because they will turn into massive creatures
Massive like mountains
And when it's time
They'll assume their grand role
In the grand scheme
At least for a day

I will not be afraid
When they are impossibly bigger than me.