Imagine I'm sitting with you
In our favorite café
At some small table in some bigger city
Where maybe we lived another life
And it’s late afternoon
And time has slowed down for us
And there’s an oddly intimate privacy
That only thrives in public places.

It could be sunny and dry outside
That cool, dry, breezy kind of day
Warm enough only in direct sun
So we came inside to enjoy the light
And avoid the shifting chill.

Or maybe it's cold and rainy
Not quite dark outside
In the early dusk of early Fall
The day’s remaining light a velvety grey
We can feel it
Sitting near these tall windows. ​
We sit with our books and daydreams
Talking occasionally, sharing a cookie.

We have been given cloth napkins
Four by four squares
Of ironed and folded heavy linen
The dingy white of an older time
It’s one of the reasons we come here
These little linen napkins
That allow us to leave behind
Some part of ourselves
A bit of lipstick or a sudden sneeze
Tiny crumbles fallen from smiling lips.

I stare absentmindedly at my napkin
Holding my almost-empty cup
The milky tea gone cold
I imagine that there are secrets
Under each corner of that little folded napkin.
I wonder if I can guess what they are
If any of them would surprise me
I wonder if I would ever tell them all to you.
I decide to take the challenge
Like the little games I invented for myself as a child
I make up my own rules as I go, but always follow them
I look at you reading and decide that you won’t notice
And I begin to eliminate the certainties
From the possibilities.

Surely my daughter is under one corner
Her presence in my life a doorpost
But in truth, I do not know the secrets
Behind my daughter’s door.
I guess, correctly, that her mysteries are tied
To my mysteries
And when I fold up one of those pressed corners
Ever so slightly
The light of that girl shines warmly
Wanting me to know I guessed right
Urging me to keep playing.

My mother, or my parents (all of them)
Is my next gamble
But I hesitate, wondering if my siblings fit there too
Yes, the family of origin, the entire childhood
Like the formation of a canyon in only twenty years
The deep and beautiful canyon of my youth
Hard cut with no straight lines
This corner is surely my formation.
Folding it up to see, there is a dull orange light
The canyon tells me, “yes”
But can never answer “why”.

Two down, and two to go
The game will get harder now, and I don’t like to lose
I’m reminded of the many other things I need to be doing
I ask for another tea and meet your eyes with a smile
We are chatting but my mind is working.

I think of Joe and our too-short time together
My best husband, my best lover, my best friend
A familiar sense of desperate gratitude passes through me
And I understand it’s not just Joe
It’s all the relationships, all the friends, all the lovers
All the Others that have been my mirror and my company
And I know I’m right without even lifting the corner to check
But I check anyway, because it’s a game, and you have to
And there is no light, but only sound
A lovely, harmonized hum of togetherness
And when I hear it, I exhale deeply
In the way that feels so good.

We pay our bill and make our plans
It’s later now, and there are places to go when we leave
I want to avoid the last corner
Knowing that I don’t know
And that I would be wrong If I tried to guess
Not wrong for trying
Every day is a try
It’s just that I don’t know
I have to live the reveal.