if I understood why
would that make it easier?
even when it’s so hard
the dishwasher will still break now and then
my brother, the one who’s hard for me
will still call, now and then
friendships will be a burden, sometimes
and other times the only fun in the world
sex. i don’t ever want another lover.
i will keep getting older
i will still be here
days and weeks go by
and things are definitely getting better
your sleep is better, your energy is better
digestion is better
do you remember when you could take those for granted?
do you remember when your worst complaints
were self-inflicted silly hangovers
that came with smiles?

i fought my way up to this great plane
i wanted the love, the joy, the peace
and now this is to be the new starting point?
that was my password, you know
gratefully walking uphill for love
the first letters of each word typed thousands of times
like a prayer wheel
and i got here, i have the love
the love is how i got here

sometimes when joe is laughing
i look closely at him, in his eyes
seeing behind contour of muscle and bone
seeing behind his familiar, happy way
and i see an echo chamber
like a glacier cave
beautiful, and lonely, and cold
what is happening to me?

decisions about where to travel
are no longer a bucket list
it’s about where i can carry this bucket
does knowing make it better?
poignant doesn’t work for everyone
maybe not knowing would make it better

what if we didn’t know
we never knew
and we lived each moment in the moment
like i imagine some animals do
we practice being in the moment
we strive to stay present
but this is what makes us different of course
we can dwell on things
we can anticipate without scent or cue

laying out the morning meds
making breakfast
making tea
we used to eat and drink the same things at breakfast
that’s changed
he used to get the paper paper
but we lost a lot of cash last year
not working
now he uses the ipad
it seems silly to me
he loved the paper
held it in his hands every morning
of the almost three thousand mornings
I have loved him.